Your Way, Right Away

Which loosely translated means, "Unless we hate our fucking jobs. Then it's, "My way, whenever the hell I feel like it. And if I screw it up, which I will inevitably do since I failed out of elementary school and have done nothing but pop out illegitemate children on an annual basis since my disability ran out, I will behave as though that's your fault since you use big words like 'incorrect' and 'cunt-face'."

I don't know why I bother going back to Burger King. Apparently, I'm like Whitney Houston, I need abuse from a crackhead.

Every couple of months, I decide to give them another chance and they never fail to send me away gripping the steering wheel in rage, screaming, "My way, motherfuckers! MY WAY!"

So, I swing through the drive-thru a few minutes ago. I order something simple and I only ask that they upsize my Dr. Pepper. Here's where it gets weird...

I roll up to the first window and a guy opens it up with a huge smile on his face. I flinch and cower in my seat. I'm not prepared for this unexpected turn in my relationship with BK. After I collect myself, I hand him a twenty. And away we go...

BK Guy With Shit Eating Grin: "Ha! Can I keep the change?"

Me, with an equally dazzling grin: "If you'll stop smiling like you just killed your mother and ate her tongue, sure!"

BKGrin: "Huh? Ha! You're still pretty!"

Me (rolling my window up and leaving just enough room for him to slide the bills through. Fuck the coins): "And you're still creepy! Ha!"

BKGrin: "Think we got enough rain?"

Me: "Well, you didn't drown, so I guess not."

It has occurred to me by now that this guy doesn't hear a word I'm saying. He is only hearing the voices in his head. Otherwise, I would never be so mean. Honestly.

BKGrin: "It didn't dampen your spirits, did it? Ha!"

Me: "Me? Oh, I'm the happ-happ-happiest fucker you've ever seen. I take my meds every single day. You should try it."

BKGrin holds out my money. I roll the window down enough to snatch it and roll it back up before he can eat my head. He just smiles. I move up to the next window.

BK Girl With Scowl and The Dull, Lifeless Eyes of The Mentally Void: "Here."

She hands me my drink and I'm completely relaxed because we're back to normal, BK and I.

The drink is a medium. I only ask for my one Dr. Pepper fix a day, and it must be the gallon size.

Me: "Excuse me. I asked for an upsize, ma'am."

She glares at me and turns to whatever half-witted fuckwad they call a manager.

BKScowl: "She said she asked for an upsize." (murmuring in background)

Now, I haven't been back to BK in a couple of months for one reason: They hate me and they remember my face. The last time I was there, I was hungover, I was smack in the middle of a hot flash, and it was 8 a.m. They're all lucky to be alive after they did the exact same shit to me then as they were doing today. As it turns out, I freaked the hell out of the Morlock that was working the window when I screamed at her, but I didn't hurt anyone. Physically.

I was a bartender and a restaurant manager for YEARS. You never, ever, ever doubt a customers word when all it will cost is a measly .44 cents (which I was quite certain I had already paid).

I pulled out a dollar bill when Scowl came back. I didn't want to argue or go to jail. I silently handed her the dollar and watched her walk away. She came back, gave me my giant Dr. Pepper and shut the window without saying a word.

Now I was pissed. Defcon 5 pissed. I reached over and rapped on the window.

Scowl: "Yes?"

Me: "Correct me if I'm wrong, but that meal is $5.38, no?"

Scowl: "I dunno."

Me: "Well, do you think you can check or would moving your ass from this window be too much of a foreign concept for you?"

Scowl: (slams the window shut and walks away)

Scowl: (returning and throwing open window) "Yes."

Me: "Good. Now that that's been established, you charged me $6.25. Wrap your mind around this...the tax rate is 8.25%. You charged me $6.25. So, I already paid for the upsize, twice, and you still didn't give me any change. That dollar was not a tip, sugar."

Scowl: "What?"

I glanced behind me. It is 2 p.m. on a crappy, hurricane beaten day and there is no one behind me. I put my car in reverse and back up to Grin's window. He opens. Grinning.

Me: "Jimmy, I don't want to deal with Binky The Wonder Bimbo anymore. Can you please give me my dollar back?"

BKGrin: "My name's not Jimmy!"

Me: "Whatever. Can I get my dollar?"

BKGrin: "Hang on! Ha!"

He disappears momentarily and returns with my dollar. See how simple that was?

Me: "George, you've been wonderful. Oh, and the girl at the next window? She said you're hot. Ha!"

My way, motherfuckers. MINE.