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Oh, God. Oh, Godohgodohgodshitohgod. Please don't let me shit my pants sitting at this red light. Please. I live thirty miles from work and I have no clothes in this car. I'm already late. Shit. NO! Don't shit. Think about something else. Think about....puppies. Puppies shit. Shit. Blog! Think about the blog.
And how you're going to write about shit.
Dammit.
What the hell did I eat? All I had was one piece of the pizza Chris bought. He's fine! Nary a fart this morning. Yet, here I sit, clenching my ass cheeks like Satan is trying to escape and audibly hearing my insides gurgle.
Oh, no. Was that?...oh, no. Please, please let that be a fart. Just a really warm fart. OH, GOD. THE SMELL. Must...roll..window.........down.
Why? Why does this always happen to me? And when I'm in the car on my hundred mile commute. The other regular commuters must think I always look like I'm riding with a shovel up my ass. My face must be classic. Fuck it. It's not like I know any of these peop- oh, look. It's Chris's friend, Jamie. And I'm potentially sitting here in my own poo. Super. Wave. Attempt to smile. God. I must look like a fucking lunatic, eyes all bugged out, teeth clenched, sweating like a pig. Ugh.
Work. Finally. I can sneak in the back. I'll just....oh, no. Oh, no. Must....clench...tighter. Walk. Walk. Walk. Waddle. Waddle. Just got to make it to the bathroom. Almost there. Fuck!! I can't talk right now, Jason. Go away. Don't look at me. QUIT LOOKING AT ME. Oh, great. Here he comes.
"Hey, Crystal, did you-"
"No! I didn't! Can't talk! Gotta go!"
"Well, you-"
"Nope! Not me!"
"But-"
"For fucks sake, I could blow at any second! Can it wait?"
Shut the door, quick, buttons quick panties quickquickquick oh god oh no OHHHHHH.
Whew. That was close. And no accidents. Thank you, Lord. Thank you. I hope I don't have to go to the doctor. Did I wash my hands when I changed Harmony's poopy diaper last night? I know I did. I always do. Ewww. But what if I didn't. The kids were distracting me. What if I got some sort of fucked up fecal matter in my system and that's what's making me sick. I so don't want to have a doctor tell me I got this from fecal matter. There's no explaining that. You can tell them whatever you want but you know they think you have a scat fetish. Ewwww.
Oh, no. OHNOOHNOOHNO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I'm going home and putting on a diaper.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
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53 comments:
We explained the term "shart" (shit+fart)to our 8 year old son this past weekend. He's home sick today.
And why does it always happen at WORK to me? I am not able to have intestinal woes in a stall next to 5 other women. I don't want them nasally assaulting me, therefore I do not do it to them. But WHY can't I have an attack when i am HOME? why ALWAYS at work?
omg. im so sorry but i cant stop laughing
I feel your pain. Recovering from recent colon surgery myself and have sworn I'll never say again, "Just skip this one exit -- I can make it."
Uh uh. No way. Stop NOW!
You are not alone. At least you made it. Congratulations.
This time.
Crystal,
You are the only one I know that makes me laugh out loud, and my dear, if you only knew what that therapy is to me. I am in your debt. Dump Chris and marry me. No don't, it would change your style.
Love,
P.
I laughed out loud several times on this one, in part because this has pretty much been my whole day. Except I don't FEEL sick. I just keep having the emergency poo.
oh my gawd girl i have learned not to drink something before i read your blog, and have been in the same boat as you before. we all need to vow, to keep at least one pair of clean panties, jeans, and t'shirt in the trunk of our cars. and i actually have tears of laughter streaming down my face! how to tell about shit on the blog! roflmao! love it!
Oh my fing god......I have been reading your blog for awhile now (thanks Carmen)and have forwarded some of your posts to friends. You make me laugh out loud more often than not....Keep it up.
Now excuse me while I go change my underwear, I think I peed my pants while I was laughing.
ok, ps. where is horn lake?
Ya know, ever since I had my gallbladder removed, I have times when, plowy - I have diarrhea - sometimes within minutes of finishing a meal, other times it will just hit at the most inconvenient of times. Like my own commute from hell. Maybe yours is like that?
In the spirit of diarrhea blog postings, I give you the following:
http://ambulancedriverfiles.blogspot.com/2007/01/musings-on-time-death-and-toilets.html
http://ambulancedriverfiles.blogspot.com/2007/03/you-know-sherman.html
http://ambulancedriverfiles.blogspot.com/2007/03/retaliation.html
That concludes my shameless blog whoring. You may now resume laughing hysterically at Crystal shitting herself.
Thank you so much, I think you're passing around a blog bug. I had to leave to divest myself of my subway sandwich with extra jalapenos twice while reading this, so I laughed through the misery.
Every time I drink gas station coffee, I have to almost immediately expel about a gallon of ass water. No real story here; I just wanted to say "ass water".
This is the funniest post about almost shitting yourself that I have ever seen.
I am still laughing...
Crystal, I can finally offer some useful advice!
Join the space program. You get diapers!
:)
I feel for you. Mostly because I get to experience that at any given moment for no particular reason other than this damned IBS. It comes with Fibromyalgia at no additional cost! Great, huh?
Hope you feel better soon!
Oh...here I was on the brink of giving up on blogs because I have just been so bored lately, you rescued me! In a miserable week full of panic attacks you made me laugh and snort, THANKYOU! You are so fabulous.
Wow talk about close calls. Glad you made it! I hate it when that happens
Oh that is so hilarious! I can so relate. The praying that you make it in time! That's classic.
Been there. Done that. Hated every minute of it.
Though this didn't happen to me, the worst was on the local commuter train at rush hour. Place was totally packed and I could hear someone's stomach making the rumble. Sure enough, this woman starts "'scuse me" -ing to the washroom. Not only did she have the loudest shit ever heard, but when she opened the washroom door afterwards...the smell rolled over all of us poor, trapped commuters like yellow clouds of mustard gas. It was nasty.
PS Love your blog. You write SO well!
Oh LAWD i can feel your pain and because of that, I am laughing my fucking ass off right now.
"Please, please let that be a fart. Just a really warm fart."
scat...I haven't heard that word since I accidentally came across a picture of it when looking for a SKA band back in 1997 when I got my first computer....EEEEEEEEwwwwwwww!
er...good luck with that diaper. I don't think Harmony's will fit you. Go get you some Grampers...or "oops, I crapped my pants" (a la Saturday Night Live)
OMG that is one of the funniest things I've ever read in a blog!!!
I thought I was the only one that posted about bodily functions!!!
This hits so close to home for me. More than once, I've been in the same predicament. I once pulled a muscle in my back trying not to piss my pants before I got home...
I hate trying to comment here. Few people are funnier than me. but you?
Oh. Dear. God.
Crystal;
Your 'shit' is so funny (pun intended) you ought to write a book!
Today it was reported a woman won the drizzling chit quarter mile as she ran from the parking lot to the ladies room in under 39 seconds. Dam, her streak is still alive.
That is literally some serious chit LOL. You are guy funny.
Ever since my December prostate surgery, I must wear these goddam Depends. I am now like a 65 YO woman that has dropped 10 kids, my bladder control is missing some 3 months out. I cant even fart in my car by myself without dropping a half a gallon.
I am lactose intolerant, so i NEED those pills, and once every so often I forget to take them, and O MY GOD, 30 minutes later, grab the big white telephone handles and prepare for lift off.
Never mind strafing the harbor, I am bombing the village!
omg omg woman! you win the award! I swear to god you brought to mind every one of those horrid "pray-to-the-heavens-I-don't-shit-myself-in-the-car-commutes" been there done that. Hey, I work 6 minutes from NASA down here in Florida & that tart astronaught proved those diapers work. You want some?
hehehehehe - I love it that you are comfortable enough with yourself to blog about taking a shit. I'm way too insecure to blog about that kind of stuff - but I love to read it :)
Sugar, I SO love your stuff! But don't they make medicine for that?
Sugar, I SO love your stuff! But don't they make medicine for that?
Totally love this...
M~
www.AdoringlyM.blogspot.com
OMG... that was awesome, very refreshing... I laughed until I cried... Then I read past posts... and almost peed my pants...
I'll be coming around to visit more often!!
With you it's the commute...with me it's Wal-Mart. What is it that every time I walk through the door at Wal-Mart I have this urgent need to poop. I mean sqeeze the cheeks, waddle, pray and sweat need to poop. But your version is much funnier!!!!
OMG I do the same thing every once in a while... mine is from my diabetes medicine! I'm taking 2000 mg a day, which is a lot. One of the side effects of my meds is weight loss - and now I know why!
You are too funny, my dear, and I enjoy reading you!
-side note, warning: my blog has some rather Adult content (including pictures), please visit but not in front of your kids!
thanks!-Kat
You poor woman. I hate getting stomach problems at work. You can't even handle it properly because someone is going to know you've been sitting in the stall for too long, look down, see/identify your shoes, then email every girlfriend in the company to talk about the stinky broad in stall #3!
Hope you're feeling better.
You are just terrific, Crystal. As you say, life's the shits.
Get thee some Immodium! Naw, any doctor who knows you have a baby in diapers would not suspect a scat fetish... but what a funny post! We've all been there.
Hahahaha!
The best part about this is that it's a PUBLIC BLOG! Man - you just don't get to read about the wonders of sharts on public blogs...people are too scared of their employers finding it. Too funny. :-)
OMG!!! That was effing hilarious!!!!!! I damn near wet myself at this!! My emergency urgent explosions always happen at walmart when I am at the back of the store near the bathroom that is, of course, closed for cleaning. So then I have to race across the damn store with my cheeks clenched and trying to discretely wrestle with my jeans to get them open in time.
Remind me to tell you about the time my brother, the landscaper, felt the pinch-a-dime-in-your-ass-cheeks diarrhea onslaught and needed to get to a McD's to unload so he lifted his leg to climb into his truck and shat all over the bench/front seat. Had to go back to the nursery to hose down the truck and his shorts. Good times.... gooooooood tiiiiiimmmmmeees......
I think I actually woke up my roommate, I was laughing so hard.
Thanks.
I had a nice long story to share with you, but my Macintard ate it, so I'll just say I share your pain.
I thought the one about the baby-suppository-missile was funny. This one... oh, heavens, been there. I have a pork allergy, and have actually been caught in traffic before, suddenly aware that I've been "contaminated" by a small amount of porcine substance, which will cause nasty things to crawl out of any available orifice.
Bless your heart.
Crystal Girl You Slay Me!!
On my way to a show in Nashville tomorrow. While I make the 3+ hour hump from SE Arkansas to Memphis I will be thinking of nothing but this blog entry.. Thanks girly! I really need something to distract me from my usual time passing of blowing up other cars in my mind, arcade style to get their slow butts out of my way on 61.
Mental note to self: When passing through Horn Lake for Home Depot and lunch avoid Burger King and grab the usual Arbys instead..
Have a great weekend woman!
I hate to laugh at your discomfort...but oh good lord you are hilarious!
OK You made me laugh until I creid with this one OMFG
This has happened to me about three times this winter. I do change diapers about ten times a day, but I had never thought about that possibility as the reason why this horrible punishment was happening to me!
BAHAHAHAHA! Hot farts!
This blog IS funny.
The title of your blog pulled me in recently, and you are my dirty little blog indulgence, hehe. I don't swear, or ever take the Lord's name in vain, and it really hurts me to hear it, but I SOOOO find you funny that I can't even stop reading it.
Sorry about the whole poo stuff, but we're all glad because it gives us a great laugh!
Here's another term that can sit alongside such lovely euphemisms...
POONAMI.
Happy movements, everyone.
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