Mr. Mom

Harmony's delicate intestinal balance has been out of sorts the last few days. Chris picked me up from work and we discussed our options over lunch. Cos' that's our kind of idle chit chat while waiting for food: poop.

"I think maybe we should give her a suppository and see what happens," I suggested. "It can take awhile to have an effect."

"Ok."

"So, since you're off today, are you going straight home?"

"No."

"You're not going home?"

"I'm not sticking anything up her ass."

"Big baby. Fine. I'll do it when I get home."

An hour later, I got a phone call.

"Crystal, you lied to me."

"About?"

"You said it would take a while to work."

"Hold, please."

I put the phone down and laughed my guts out for a minute or two because I realized what had happened.

"Ok. So, what happened?"

"Well, you called me a big baby. So, when I was changing her diaper I thought, 'How hard can it be?', so I got one of the suppositories. I stuck it in a little and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to put it all the way in, so I kind of left it hanging-"

"Wait. You left the suppository hanging out of her ass?"

"Yes. The bottle said to remove it in fifteen minutes! How else was I supposed to get it?"

"Ok, ok. Was she alright? Uncomfortable?"

"No. Just frowning at me like I'm stupid."

"Yeah. I get that all the time."

"Anyway, I go in the kitchen to heat a bottle and I hear her grunting. I go back in and she's pulled her legs up to her chest, turns bright red and the fucking thing shoots out of her butt like a mini-torpedo, flies across the dining room and hits the-"

I dropped the phone and pissed my pants. Seriously. When I could breathe, I picked it up, again.

"It's not funny, Crystal. She unloaded. The whole house smells like baby shit. And she's grinning her ass off."

"I love you."

"Whatever."

*click*