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At some point in the last week, I temporarily took leave of my senses and decided to let my daughter have a slumber party.
There are five of them and they're trying to kill me.
Things that I have said in the past six hours:
____________________________________
(When conversing with a very precocious six year old)
"It's a full glass of milk, sweety. You can't just pour it out."
"But, it's nasty."
"Why? Because it has cookie smegma in it? That's because you were dunking cookies. It's just cookie bits. Yummy cookie bits."
(Peering into the cup) "What's shegma?"
____________________________________
"Come get your burned wieners!"
____________________________________
"You just thread....no, thread the bead onto the wire...thread it. Through the hole. See the hole? No, thread - to hell with it. I'll do it."
"You said a bad word."
"Oh, honey, grab a note pad. You have no idea."
____________________________________
"Come get your burned popcorn!"
____________________________________
"Nooooo, you're a big girl! You don't need me to help you wipe anything!"
"Yuh huh."
"If I give you some baby wipes, can you handle it?"
"I'm not a baby!"
"Your logic boggles the mind."
____________________________________
"Come get your burned cookies!"
____________________________________
"Virginia, why does your mom burn everything?"
"I don't know. She says it's because she wasn't breast fed."
____________________________________
"What are we doing tomorrow, Miss Crystal?"
"Tomorrow? I thought I'd feed you some cereal and then I'm taking every one of you little motherfuckers home."
____________________________________
Ok, so I didn't really say that last thing, but after hours and hours of screaming, jumping, giggling, crying, fighting, stealing, conniving, snot-nosed, temper tantrum bullshit, I was ready to say it. And all that was just me.
I spent $50 on crap for them to do and you know what the big hit of the evening was? Making fart noises with their armpits.
I know every word to every song on the Clifford The Big Red Dog cd and I vehemently wish I could extract that portion of my brain and stomp on it. I settled for stomping the cd to pieces. When they weren't looking. They scare me.
At 11:30, each of them was twitching and bug-eyed from all the sugar they had ingested. I tried to think of the most boring movie on earth that I could force them to watch to make them all GO TO SLEEP, GO TO SLEEP YOU LITTLE VAMPIRE PSYCHOPATHS, GO TO EFFING SLEEP.
"Miss Crystal?"
"Yes?"
"What's this movie called?"
"Ishtar. Now shut your hole and pass out like you're supposed to."
I was awoken at the ass crack of dawn the next morning to the sound of armpit farts and five little girls giggling in unison.
Happy fucking Mothers Day to me.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
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68 comments:
"Smegma"
Are you by any chance a fan of Monty Python? or Red Dwarf?
V Funny blog.
Wow, my six-year old can't make fart noises with her armpits...I'm envious.
We have the same internal censor, Crystal.
Or the lack thereof.
That was priceless!
hehehe
btw ed, I am also from birkenhead. small world.
You poor thing. It's only a few more centuries until she leaves home.
When I first glanced at your post, I thought you meant that a 6-year old was talking about smegma. I was thinking, "Six-year olds know about smegma???" I guess some of them do now, huh? :D I've always thought that was a funny word.
Ishtar! That's priceless!
considering that you didnt kill a single one of them, I would call the slumber part a success!
also my seven year old son wants to learn the fine art of armpit fart, but so far this is a skill that eludes him
better you than me - I've served my time
There are certain phrases you should NEVER use around a child you're in charge of (be it your own, or someone else's). "Sure, you can have friends sleep over" is VERY high on that list ("I'm gonn grind you lil' heads into jelly" is MUCH farther down said list)...
Absolutely brilliant post!!!
I totally feel your pain lol
"She says it's because she wasn't breast fed."
LMAO :D
At least they're not smuggling boys in the bedroom window yet. Or are they, you know these kids start young these days.........
You had me at "burned weiner"...
Ishtar? Isn't that some sort of violation of the Geneva Convention??
Happy belated Mother's Day. May your sanity hold out through all the slumber parties to come.
Ishtar? Fucking classic!!! LMAO!
But did you suffer from some sort of brain hemorrhage to allow a sleepover on Mother's Day weekend?
You are a brave soul! I can only handle two children at a time!
Good God, Woman! When are you being published for actual real money? If you aren't, there is something hideously wrong with this world.
(I mean, aside from the obvious.)
I only like to read about slumber parties when the girls are at least 15-16.
My personal method for hosting slumber parties is to let the kids play with knives and light firecrackers. Hence they are never permitted back to that screwed up mother's house. One slumber party per child and I am done for life. It is a beautiful thing.
(Shecky here)
Absolutely FOOLPROOF method for hosting slumber parties: have someone else's mother host 'em. Works like a charm. And if you can get Shaggy out of the house too, it's giggity time!
You are the funniest blogger ever!!!!!! HAHAHAHA! I love it.
Oh, I simply can't handle your posts. The neighbors must think I've completely lost it. Shrieking laughter at 9:30am in the morning. I repeat, you are a comedic-writing genius!
So, what... Are you TRYING to cement your place in heaven? Because I can't think of another sane reason for you do a slumber party other than you are a freakin' saint.
Hell, I can't even handle the one in my house right now.
I had 10 of those little witches at one time....I enlisted the help of 2 girlfriends & I think we had more fun than the kids....They were up till 4 in the morning....Ate everything in my house & drank all of the soda. I had shaving cream imbedded in my carpet & found a tiny bra in my freezer the next day....
NEVER AGAIN!!!!!
But how am I going to explain the outlaw of slumber parties to the 5 year old twins who will inevitably want one too?!?!?!?
You are not burning everything - you're simply providing them with their daily nutritional requirement of carbon.
Thank God I have boys. They have NEVER asked to have anyone over. But if they did, I'd sell the house and move.
Well, that just confirmed what I already knew...no slumber parties ever!
Of course, I'd probably just lock them all in the bedroom for the night and sit outside with a beer and a ciggie!
Next time, let me know, and I will bring my 6 year old and we can both sit outside!
Thank God those kids are in Horn Lake and not up here in Cordova trying to get my kid to let them spend the night!
My seven year old is dying to have a slumber party for her birthday.... this just cements my intial reaction of "No way in hell!"
LOLOLOL
No way in hell will I let my daughter have a sleepover, till she's at least NINE...maybe 16....eeeek! You've just clinched ALL THE REASONS WHY....
HA! Sounds like when I was an idiot and invited a class of 25 kindergarteners to my sons party assuming most wouldn't show. All but 2 did, and all I can say is that it quickly resembled the lord of the flies.
Mmmmm... Cookie flavored Shmegma ... enjoy little kiddies....
That's a hilarious post...
And thus -- I had my reproductive organs clipped, tied, burned, and posted with an "out of order" sign. Bless all you others for having the kids, cause I ain't gonna for the very "vampire psychopathic" reasons. :)
And you know Crystal....all those other Moms, the ones whose kids YOU were subjected to on Mother's Day weekend? Yeah.. they were probably at the spa having their toes painted and thinking "sucker..."
ha..ha.ha..! You are awesome.
Too funny! Thank goodness you see the humor in it all.
That is hilarious ... but maybe only to you after you've had a fifth of vodka ingested into your happy little veins. Perhaps that could help with kids too?
Several months ago I hosted a sleepover for 7 14 year old girls.
I still have flashbacks.
Never AGAIN!
ISHTAR!!! Fucking brilliant. For all the obvious humor you have mastered, it's the obscure humor that makes me double over. Superb.
- Constantine.
You wrote about my greatest personal fear! Egads!
But you survived it with wit and grace. Thanks for the laugh!
Bahaha. I love the descriptive language used when describing a slumber party full of 5 year olds. I helped supervise one once. I'll never do it again. Couldn't have written it better myself =]
I too will never do this again. Right before Christmas I had eight little girls over for Princess' party, dear God it is a wonder I made it through the night. Oh and my biggest surprise was that one little girl couldn't speak a word of English....swear!
All slumber parties in Candyland take place at a hotel with an indoor pool. I get a suite, serve pizza & cake and non-caffienated soda (allegedly laced with valium but the lab tests came back inconclusive). The kids swim until they are about to pass out, I pop in a movie and they are all out cold until morning. And THEN? The hotel's All You Can Eat Breakfast Buffet.
Worth every penny.
roflmao! That's hilarious!
Stacie
I love your sense of humour, so close to mine! Keep it up, this blog is amazing!
oh for the love of god! never have that many munchkins in a group for over night stays! omg omg-they are invasion ofthe body snatchers & will suck your lifeforce dry before they leave the next day!
you should have burned their pancakes the next morning!
Bwahahahahahahaha! (takes a deep breath) Hahahahahahaha haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Hee hee. *wipes away the tears*
Ah, lovely post. I needed to laugh this morning.
Phoenix
You are too hilarious.
We'd be geeked if you came by our rant site... because ranting seems right up your alley.
RantasaurusRex.com
It sounds like my life for the past 18 years. I've gotten through it so I know that you can. Keep your head up and your hands off thier behinds. Oh, and the history channel puts them out like stomped lightning bugs.
My mom is still recovering from all my sleepovers. And I'm 19.
Just sayin'
Slumber parties always made me want to scratch my eyes out and tear my ears off from all the incessant giggling, fighting, and squealing, lol. So glad my daughter is 15 now!
Died laughing over the smegma comment. I remember when I first learned what that word meant. I was only a tender 19. Must blog about it sometime....
I love your blog, Crystal. :)
Hey guess what? When MY girls get old enough for that bullshit? I'm calling on you to come over to help! BWAHHHAHAHAAAA!!!
i luckily dodged the bullet when smegma was part of the kids active vocabulary in first grade. i have NO idea where they heard it. gulp. I will need to dodge the bullet again when they learn what it is.
funny post, on a not so fun experience.
I think I'd rather give myself a pedicure with my teeth than have my 6 year old son have a slumber party. There is flat-out not enough booze in this town to get me through something like that. One of him is enough thankyouverymuch! LOL And I'd be getting the "you have it coming" crap from my mom; God knows I tortured her enough with my sleepovers! LOL
We miss you! Daily laughter is much needed.
But what IS shegma?
Crystal, you are a very brave woman. Mad props, yo!
I vividly (shudder) remember my daughter's slumber party in middle school. A dozen 12 year old spawn of hell. We pitched tents in the back yard. The lil monster's were SKATEBOARDING down the middle of the street at 2:30 am. and that's the GOOD part. never never again.
(Shecky here)
Borrowing/paraphrasing an idea from Robert Heinlein:
The young of the species, once weaned, should be nailed into a barrel and fed through the bung (the barrel's spout, you filthy-minded little monkeys). At the age of 18, a solemn decision should be made by the community whether to release the creature or to drive in the bung.
I always wanted to learn to make armpit farts yet I could never master it. Oh well, I am the mother of two boys so there's still a chance I could learn.
I haven't had many sleepovers but I do have almost every kid in the county running through my house at any given moment so I know how you feel.
This is the only time I'm happy that our house is the size of a mitten, and will, in fact, explode if we put one more person in it.
Now this is a real mom, love your blog and honesty!
Crystal, you can ban me if you must.. the question has been asked what smegma is. (i don't know if you know)
shee-megma as so referenced by micheal palin in a python sketch pertaining to floaters is..
gawd....
well, there's belly button lint. And there's toe jam. well if one is uncircumcised there is a, well build up of... yep, smegma.
"eeeeuuwwww" is the correct response.
I just found your blog and you are fucking hysterical.
I just wanted to let you know that I posted on a message board asking for links to funny/sarcastic blogs and I was given this link. This is absolutely hysterical! Thanks for the laughs!
I spent $50 on crap for them to do and you know what the big hit of the evening was? Making fart noises with their armpits.
AAAAAAAhahahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!
I so know what you mean.I can relate totally!And this is from my 3 girls,lol!!Brave,brave woman!!!lmao!
oh my effing word- bucking frilliant post!!!
happily (belated) mothering day girl!
oh- and i do need a possible asthma attack warning next time though please- just so i can make sure my inhaler is at hand!
love your work!
Ok, so I had to google "smegma". Too f'n funny!!
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