Now, With More Va-JAY JAY! UPTOWN WITH THE DOWN TOWN PRICE!

(You won't get the title if you've never heard this. It's the 7th one down, titled "Lockitdown!")

I feel sorry for the men that come here to read and they get hit in their unsuspecting faces with crap like this, "pap smears" and "mammogram".

Who on God's earth thought it was a good idea to take a procedure that is so vile and attach the word, "smear", to it? Whoever you are, you were wrong. Wrong in so very, many ways.

I never post half naked pictures of myself or talk about ess-ee-exx, so I feel bad, what with the holidays coming up and all. The men shouldn't have to be subjected to women's issues. So, here:

Sometimes, in the shower, I use the mint shampoo as soap because it tingles.

Just keep reading that, over and over and don't go any further into this post. Trust me.

So, yesterday, I'm in stirrups and some strange woman is making small talk with me while she squeezes my nipples.

"So, how was your Thanksgiving?" Squeeze, pinch.

"Why are you pinching my nipples?" I asked.

"Oh, well, it's part of the breast exam, we check for discharge." She looked horrified.

"I know, I just wondered if anyone's ever really asked. Especially mid-squeeze. Awkward."

She nervously laughed and covered up my boobies.

As she stepped out in the hall to ask for assistance, I scooted my butt down to the end of the table. When she turned around, I asked, "So, is this the part with the periscope? Land ho, and all that?"

"Umm, it's called a speculum."

"Yeah, I know. It was a - nevermind."

I try to relax. I breathe and I take myself away to an oasis somewhere, but, oh my God. There is nothing natural about a 2 foot piece of metal sliding into your hoo-haw, especially when it's been shipped in from Antarctica for the occasion.

And then it expands.

All the while, I'm thinking,

"Does it seem weird to her that I shaved? I mean, she sees these all day long. Not like she would care if it looked like I was growing a chia pet down there."

"Oh, God. What if that was cheap toilet paper when I gave my urine sample? Cheap toilet paper that is now balled up and playing cling-on in my ass crack. I have toilet paper balls in my crack. I just know it."

"I should have worn socks. My nail polish is chipping. Oh, what the fuck, Crystal. She's pretty distracted by your cervix right now, you moron. I doubt she's offended by your toe nails."

"I wonder how many times someone has to fart in your face before you just go numb. God, that would be horrible."

And then, when they're finished, I always feel like they should hold me and tell me I'm special AND THEY NEVER DO.

_________________

"So, Virginia, how was 'Beauty & The Beast' at school, today?"

"Ugh, what a rip-off," she said with obvious disgust.

"Umm, what?" I asked, astonished.

"It was terrible. It was puppets. Which could have been good, but the coordination was off and Gaston's accent was wretched. He didn't sound the least bit French."

"Uh-huh. You're seven. You know that, right?"

She looked at me like the incredibly stupid person that I am. "Does that mean I have to embrace mediocrity?"

"Virginia, I will only tell you this one more time. No more talking to Angelina Jolie."