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Happy birthday to the McKnob that has six teeth and still poos her pants with a dedication and ferocity that makes her daddy proud.
Happy birthday to the larger McKnob who has all his teeth and still gives me the big, "Who, me?", eyes every time he farts. (Even though I know it was him because he has killed all my house plants) (yes, it is his gas and not my inability to remember to water them more than once a year) (Hi, I am responsible for three children).
Coordinating this simple dinner tomorrow has been more challenging than I imagined.
I made the first of many phone calls, this one to my mom.
"Hey, Mom. We're having dinner at Applebee's tomorrow at five-thirty for Chris and Harmony's birthday. Can you be there?"
"STOP LICKING ME! STOP WITH THE LICKING! STOP!"
"Well, there's something you don't hear from your mom every day."
"What? When? This damned dog won't stop . . . STOP IT. Can someone get this dog off my leg?"
"Five thirty. Applebee's."
"I will RIP YOUR TONGUE OUT AND STRANGLE YOU WITH IT IF YOU DON'T STOP."
"Ok, then. Bye."
The second call was to a mutual friend of our's.
"Why Applebee's?" she asked.
"We have a gift card," I explained.
"You're taking them to a birthday dinner that you're buying with a gift card that someone else gave you?"
"On second thought, you're not invited. I don't even like you."
My mom called me back.
"What should I get for the baby?"
"I don't know. She's turning one. She doesn't care. Someone gave Chris a rubber booby as a gag gift and she claimed it and thinks it's the best thing ever. She tries to nurse on it and squishes it, for hours, fascinated. It has teeth marks on it, that's why I don't nurse anymo-"
"Crystal, shut the hell up. What should I get Chris?"
"Another rubber booby."
"Where would I get one of OH MY GOD THERE HE GOES WITH THE LICKING, AGAIN, WHAT THE FUCK? What am I, chicken-flavored? Steve, can you please call this dog-"
I giggled. "You said 'fuck'."
"You're hearing things. And don't you dare tell anyone I said that."
"I won't."
Friday, December 28, 2007
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50 comments:
What's wrong with using a giftcard, anyways????
My suggestion is the rubber boob topper that goes perfect on Dr. Pepper cans for Chris.
For baby...Boppers(inflatable fist mallet thingymagigs that make it perfectly okay to whack everything in sight)...okay, okay....maybe she's too young for them, but my mom got my kids those for Christmas and I'm certainly enjoying them!!!!
Thank you Crystal for once again making me look like a crazy person at work, giggling like an idiot at the check-out desk.
Oh shit, I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. Thank you making me smile today :)
A rubber boob for one and the box teh rubber boob came in for the other!
Easy!
Happy Holidays!!
Your mom is chicken flavored? YUM!
HAHAHA! Happy Birthday McKnobs!
OMG that was so dam funny I pee'd lol
I may not comment all the time, but I lurk here Crystal, just so you knows. hehehehehe
Trying to go from lurker to actual commenter...Hope the birthday dinner goes great.
You make me laugh, and that is the best holiday gift someone I've never met can give me :).
Oooh there's nothing quite like hearing your mom say 'fuck' - although getting the giggles doesn't generally help things. (I can still feel the hand print on the back of my head from the last time my mom dropped the f-bomb.)
Holidays and birthdays... good to hear you're all surviving. Enjoy the meal - take some coupons as well! Even if you don't use them you could always embarrass the kids by going from table to table looking for worthy recipients of the coupons! :P Oh wait... I probably shouldn't be giving people ideas...
muahahaha....hilarious and happy birthday to your loved ones!
OMG that was great...exactly what I needed. Happy Birthday to all and Happy New Year :)
OMG. You never fail to get a full-on belly laugh!
Birthday's in December really suck. Too poor to buy anything after Christmas! There's always good laughs! Happy Double Birthdays!
Happy birthday to that sweet little girl and to your big man!
Happy Happy ...
Must stop reading your website when I'm on the phone or consuming hot beverages.
Your account of your phone calls with your mother crack me up! Happy McBirthday McKnobs.
Yeah, Crystal, don't tell me. I'm a blabber mouth.
psh, I would totally use a gift card, tell your friend if she doesn't like it, she can pay for dinner!
If my mom ever said fuck in my presence, I'd die of shock!
Thanks for the laugh though.
Damn. I wish I had thought to call my mom chicken flavored on my blog. Can you imagine the google hits from all the pervs? LOL.
(That and I could just imagine the look on her face when she reads it...even better...giggle.)
Hope all the McKnob's who have birthdays have a spectacular feast and a great birthday.
And a happy new year filled with joy for the lot of ya.
Reading that made me laugh so hard that I rolled my computer chair away from the desk.
Behold the power of my belly laughs! :)
A chicken flavored, slobbered on mom AND a rubber booby with teeth marks? Thank you, thank you, thank you!
My husband got fake boobies from MY mom for Christmas and he freaking loves them. My middle son also loves them. A LOT. I have had to kick him out of my room a few times because he is fondling them. I don't know what is worse, the fact that my mother bought my husband jubblies or my 5 year old being infatuated with jubblies.
Hey! When'd you stop breast-feeding? Why didn't we hear about Harmony losing interest... or whatever. (My son was so busy twisting around to see what his sisters were doing, he didn't have time to breast-feed.)
What? Are fake boobies the boobs in your blog title?
I'm new in the blogosphere, don't hurt me.
I love Moms who say Fuck.
Ok so I'm another Lurker who doesn't say hi (So hi!) but I check in daily to see if there's a new post. My daughter was born Dec. 27th and for the last 5 or so years we have had her birthday celebration on November 27th and we don't even mention it in Dec. It sooo takes the pressure off, and the family are happy to do that. ok so I'm weird...
Your mum is too cool. We weren't allowed to say 'Bum' or 'Fart' as kids cause they were swear words in her warped mind.
She would keel over if she read my blog *snigger*
My son woke my brother the other morning by licking him. Repeatedly. I rewarded him with chocolate. And 'good boy!'
You make my household seem so sane.
wow, happy boithday to chris and harmony.
you're a hoot crystal, and you always make my day.
cheers. :D
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! to the little mcknob and the big mcknob!!
Happy Birthday to the Birthday Mcknobs. And, I love when my mother accidentally drops the F-bomb. It is sooo priceless.
OH stinkin' hilarious. Happy birthdays! What's with your mom's dog? That would drive me bonkers.
My father repeated the F-bomb after I said it once... I don't remember what happened after that. I can't even wrap my brain around my mother letting that word fall from her lips.
But good job on the not telling anyone she said that. Very hush-hush.
Another lurker, trying to reform.
I love you and the rest of the McKnob family and I'm a sucky bad friend for not calling you in a bazillion years. Bad Friend! Bad Friend! Fire BAAAAAD!
I'm such a tool.
December birthdays suck! Both my boys were born in December (5th and 30th) and when you throw Christmas into the mix, well, let's just say "We be eatin' lots of them there Ramen noodles!"
Happy Birthday to both the McKnobs!!
Well it looks to be the day that lurkers come out..so here I am posting on this blog that makes me laugh until a pee in my pants. My husband looks at me strange until he sees what I am reading and walks away shaking his head. in fact when I am in a pissy mood he says go read crystals blog your pissy!
so thanks!
and Happy Birthday to the McKnobs!
ohh and I might have a few coupons for ya.
-Sabby
Hee hee. I have a cussin mom too. For some reason, I actually had to think about which McKnob you were talking about in the first sentence. Your family has a bad rap.
Bossy loves her a cursing moms.
As always, I am entertained when coming here. Thanks for the laugh.
I love Florida, but I miss reading your blog - I'm glad I was able to sneak a few minutes on the computer today to get my daily laughter dose - Have a Happy New Year Crystal!!!!
Awesome. Simply awesome.
Happy birthday to Harmony and to Chris. Enjoy applebees! Will Harmony eat Chris under the table?
I only wish that my mom could STOP saying fuck.
Ok, so I nearly passed out I was laughing so hard. Nothing makes my day like seeing something new from you!!
I dropped the phone the first time I heard my mother say fuck.
Whatever happened to "Earmuffs?" I love the giggle to the F-bomb, My 4 yr. old just recounts at inopportune times.
oh, thank you. SO much. for the laugh. :)
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