The Crazy Chronicles, Part 11: D. A. Dog

"That's right, Mr. Martini. There is an Easter Bunny." - McMurphy, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

"Get comfortable, baby. I've got a full tank." - Caro, The Divine Secrets of The Ya Ya Sisterhood


Tuesday, 6 p.m.

I giggled while I painted my plastic dog.

"Who're you making that for?" Linda asked.

"My daughter," I replied as I added another green polka dot. "Look...it's a daily affirmation dog."

My table-mates looked over.

"Daily affirmation dog, am I crazy?" I asked the dog. I bumped his nose with my paint brush and set his bobble head in motion. Up and down, up and down. Trish guffawed. It wasn't that funny.

I looked around at the others. Carol had dismembered her D.A. dog and was methodically dipping his body parts in brown paint.

"Carol? Baby? What'cha doing?" I asked.

"I like weenie dogs," she mumbled as she submerged his torso.

"Right-o."

"Time's up!" RT teacher called.

We cleaned up our supplies and made our way back to the break room. Miss Flora was parked in front of the tv when we came in.

"Y'all hush, now! I'm watching my man, Obama!" she demanded. Normally, pleas for quiet fell on deaf ears. Something about this retired schoolteacher made us all shut up and use our inside voices. Eventually, everyone had migrated to the smoking area outside so they could talk without disturbing Flora. I chose to stay in, where it was warm.

I thought about my session that afternoon. I thought about my kids, how they smelled and how much I missed their ceaseless chatter and then wondered if I would be here through the coming weekend. I glanced up as the new Tyler Perry movie trailer came on.

"Praise Jesus, I'm goin' to tha movies!" Miss Flora screamed. She then placed her hands back under her thighs and fell back into her Obama-stupor.

A thin woman I'd never seen before walked in. "I'm looking for Crystal McKee."

I stood up. "That's me."

She motioned for me to follow her and we made our way to the conference room where she introduced herself. "I'm Julie Flannigan and I work in billing."

I was confused. "Ok."

"Have a seat. Ok," she glanced at her folder, "your insurance covers eighty percent, but you have a three-hundred-dollar co pay and, of course, the other twenty percent. We're estimating your portion to be about two-thousand dollars." She looked up at me, expectantly.

"I'm not sure what you're ... what are you asking me?"

"I just need to find out how you want to take care of the bill."

You could have taken a hundred pictures of my face in the next sixty seconds and they all would have looked exactly the same: dumbfounded. "Are you kidding me?"

"About?"

"I'm here for depression, anxiety and stress and you're seriously sitting her talking to me about the bill while I'm still undergoing treatment? What do you do for the schizophrenic patients? Bring them in here and force them to watch "A Clockwork Orange"? With strobe lights and the sound of screaming for ambiance?"

"Well, we have to do this-"

"My husband is the guarantor for a reason, ma'am. No offense, but you need to talk to him, not me. I'm not exactly keeping up with my online banking in here."

After leaving, I called Chris and told him what had happened.

"Oh, hell no. No, they didn't," he hissed. "You're coming home. If that's the kind of shit they're going to pull, you're coming home."

"Babe, calm down, just-"

"You don't need that crap, Crystal. What kind of practice is that? I'll be making some phone calls tomorrow."

"I'm sure you will," I laughed. My hero.

"Hey, do you have a minute to talk to V? She's been going nuts. Don't forget, she thinks you're in Nashville for training."

I waited for her chirping voice to soothe my soul.

"Mommy?" There was no chirping. Only the sound of repressed tears.

"Oh, baby, don't do that. Please don't cry, please-"

"I miss you," she sobbed. "I want you to come home, now. You need to tuck me in."

"I know, honey. I'll be home really soon."

"When?"

My heart was sore. When, indeed.