Curious About The "Injuries" In My Title?

Summer arrived and Virginia had a friend spend the night and I had the bright idea to buy a Slip N' Slide. I have no idea why I do these things.

I filled the baby pool so that Harmony could play alongside the older girls and then I began the process of wetting down the new toy. Virginia and her friend, Kayla, danced around and giggled with nervous excitement. Neither of them had ever been on a Slip N' Slide so the anticipation was palpable.

"Ok," I instructed. "You run a couple of feet onto the thing and then launch yourself forward onto your stomach. The water will make it slick enough for you to slide."

Kayla went first. She did as instructed and sailed to the end of the slide, where a water filled barrier stopped her. She jumped up, smiling, and ran over to stand behind Virginia and wait her next turn. Virginia ran forward, stepped onto the mat and fell to her knees. She squealed in agony because she already had scabs from her last endeavor into the land of the coordinated. "I can't dooooo itttttt!" she wailed.

"Virginia, what the hell?" I asked. "I didn't say 'drop to your knees'. Launch yourself onto your stomach, child. Try it, again."

Harmony was watching all of this with intense interest while sucking the water out of her baby doll's hair.

Kayla demonstrated again and smoothly sailed to the end of the slide. Virginia, looking more confident, ran forward, stepped onto the mat and fell to her knees, again. In her defense, she did try to slide this time. More squealing and wailing and gnashing of teeth. "BAAAAH! I can't do itttttt!"

I stood and assessed the situation. Virginia has a tendency to give up on things if she can't perfect it the first time and I wanted her to learn that perseverance was key. Kayla, trying to be empathetic, said, "Virginia, my knees are hurting, too."

"I have an idea," I said. (If you're with me and you ever me say that, clock me over the head with the nearest heavy object and subdue me by any means necessary. Nothing good ever comes of my ideas) I went inside and rifled through Devon's closet to find some of his socks. I chose the quitters (socks with no elastic) and cut the toes out of them. I went back outside and gave a pair to each girl. "Put these on."

Virginia was the first to object. "Mom, these socks don't have any toes."

"There's a reason for that. Put them on. Trust me." (If you're ever with me and I say that, run for your life. Shriek for good measure)

She wiggled into them and she and Kayla inspected one another while giggling. Their knee caps were now covered with socks, though, so, yay me.

"This is great," I said. "Now, start running in place and repeat after me: She's a maniac, maaaaaniac on the floor! And she's dancing like she's never danced before! She's a maniac, maaaaniac-"

"Can we go slide, now?" Kayla asked. Virginia was simply staring at me like I had just pooped in my hand and rubbed it all over my face.

"Meh. Whatever. Kill joys."

They went back to the slide and tried again. Virginia had the same results. She simply couldn't slide. She walked over to Kayla and morosely said, "Go ahead, Kayla. I'm just a loser."

I was aghast. "Virginia! Don't say things like that! You are not a loser!"

"Then why can't I do this?"

"You're just not doing it correctly, sweety."

"Then show me."

Now, here's the part where I really should have just swallowed my pride and listed all of the reasons that pudgy, middle-aged people should never try to propel themselves down a slickened tarp in broad daylight. Instead, I bit. "Okay, I will."

I lined up my intended path, lowered my head and ran (ran! with running! Look, Ma, no brains!) forward to the slide, determined to show Virginia that this could be done. I stepped three paces onto the slide and launched myself as I had instructed my daughter. The only problem was that I never quite got down low enough to move forward. Instead, I dove into thin air, hovered long enough to squawk and realize that this shit was going to hurt like hell and then I dropped like a rock onto the mat. The air whooshed out of me and Harmony doubled over in hysterics. I have tried puppets, funny faces, tickling and extreme swinging and nothing has ever made that child laugh like seeing her Mom face-plant into that freaking slip n' slide.

I gingerly felt for broken ribs and tried to roll over. I had grass up my nose. I laid on my back, panting, and Virginia stood over me with a disgusted look on her face. "It's not even worth saying 'I told you so'," she said before flouncing off to pout some more. I got to my knees and struggled to stand while Harmony was wiping tears of mirth off of her face. She pointed at me and babbled in her baby-language as if to say that she sure did enjoy the hell out of that and could I please do it again?

"Virginia!" I roared. She reluctantly came over. "YOU WILL NOT QUIT. I just broke four ribs trying to help you out and you will try this, again. Oh, yes. You will."

She studied my expression and decided I wasn't messing around. "Fine." She tried again, only to have the same result. She slid on her knees for about 2 inches before falling over onto her face. Harmony cracked up, again. You couldn't pay for this kind of toddler entertainment.

"I have another idea," I threatened. I went inside and tore the house apart looking for baby oil. Since we don't actually use baby oil, my search was in vain. In desperation, I grabbed the next best thing and stalked back outside. I squirted the entire bottle over the slide and then demanded that Virginia give it one more heart-felt try. Kayla went first and slid past the end of the slide and onto the grass. Virginia's slide was extended by about four inches before she fell on her face, again. Harmony was seated directly in front of the slip n' slide now, cackling like the world's smallest crazy person. "Screw it," I mumbled. "I give up."

Chris had come home from work and was standing behind me, surveying the scene before him. "What is she doing?" he asked, indicating Virginia. "She needs slip n' slide special ed."

"Oh, shut up," I grumbled, turning to go inside.

Chris glanced down. "What the hell are you doing with the lube?"

"Coming to terms with the fact that the Wright brothers I am not." I walked inside without another word. Nothing surprises him much, any more.