Wednesday, January 02, 2013

2013

The popular sentiment is that today is a day to start over. It’s a day to start walking the path to a new and better you or to forgive yourself for the past years mistakes or not make the same ones or some such shit.

New Years has never really held any significance to me. What am I going to resolve to do today that I didn’t do with the last 365 opportunities I had? Absolutely nothing. When I’m backed into a corner or weary of where I’m at, I make the choice to change my life and it doesn’t matter if it’s a Monday or middle of the summer. I just do it…usually.

This past year has been different, though. It’s been tragic and terrifying and very, very lonely, and the obstacles that have landed in my life over the past month have really made me think long and hard about where I’m going. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve looked around during various years in my life and wondered, “How the hell did this happen?” I’m at that point, again, only this time, it’s with the absolute certainty that it wasn’t all my doing. My situation (and I mean generally and more recently. Some of it is 95% poor choices and 5% bad luck and some just 100% stupid decisions. I’m speaking in averages) is about 25 percent poor choices, 25 percent being too open, trusting and forgiving (which I guess would fall under ‘choices’) and about 50 percent ridiculously bad luck. My sister asked my Mom a couple of weeks ago if I have a black cloud that just follows me around from place to place and sometimes, I wonder, too. If I’m being tested, I’d like a potty break, please.

I know that in order to write freely and openly, I have to do it privately, but it still irks me. I’ve never been one to hide from the ugly truth about myself and I’m not about to start now. However, I owe it to Chris and my kids to not be so candid about everything that’s happened so I really feel I have no choice. So, why not just write a diary to myself? Well, I used to harp about how this blog was for me and blah blah blah and honestly, that’s bullshit. It is for me, but it’s for others, too. It’s for those who are in the same or similar situations who can read and not feel like they’re facing their demons alone. Nothing has given me more of a sense of purpose than A., being a mom and B., finding out that the things I write could actually help someone, even if it’s infrequent. So, I write and I don’t hide my warts or try to make anyone think I’m something I’m not. I have darkness in me, the capability to really hurt people that love me and trust me and to do so very callously and with disregard. I’m ashamed of that, but it’s true. I didn’t think I could do the things I’ve done, never would have imagined those traits to be hiding in me anywhere, but they were…and I use past tense because I know that I will never behave that way, again.

In order for me to let go or forgive and move on, I have to relive all of it and I guess I’ve chosen to do it here. When I’m writing it’s almost as if another part of me takes over and I can process thoughts and make observations in a way that I’m never able to do otherwise. It helps me to answer the questions about myself and dissect all that’s happened and the behavior that I’m afraid to face in any other setting.

Since I’ve decided to make this private, I do have one condition: I got a lot of really lovely emails from a lot of people about wanting to read my blog and I thank you. I read everything I get. I’m afraid that some of the illusions you have about me will be shattered, because I’m not holding anything back, and the admiration or respect or whatever you call it will turn to disgust. Please, please, just stop reading. No matter how much you want to, please don’t write me or comment about what a horrible person I am. I’m choosing to allow you in and that’s all I ask. I don’t have a thick skin and I never will. Some of the emails and comments I got after the last debacle devastated me, and I can still recite them, word for word. I have punished myself far more than anyone else ever could and I do so daily. Karma or God has also intervened and I have (and still am) paying dearly for the things I did and the people I hurt, so, please. No venom. I’ve never claimed to be pious or perfect, I’m far from it and I know this. I only share these things in the hopes that I can heal, maybe forgive myself and possibly help someone who might be facing the same painful situations, from either side of the table. Everyone copes differently and this is my coping mechanism. On a positive note, however, I don’t really drink anymore and I’m not on any mind altering medication so there won’t be any midnight posts that where I confess a bunch of crap that ends up being a drug-addled, patchwork delusion, thereby vilifying and effectively ostracizing myself from the blog advertising community. I found out that Chris had been going through my emails and deleting hateful ones and I don’t have the privilege of having someone look out for me, anymore, so please just accept that I’m a great, big pussy and your meanie emails will make me cry and tear my hair out so leave it at that.

With that said, I have an enormous list of email addresses to add to the reader list and no internet or computer at home so I’ll compile the list and privatize this as quickly as possible. And then I’ll take you into my life, again, and in doing so, expose myself to the very bone and the darkest places in my soul. Not much of it will be humorous, I’m afraid, and some of it will have to be guarded because … well, to put it simply, it could affect the legal outcome of an upcoming trial (and, no, I did not go to jail or set kittens on fire or kill a nun or anything like that. I wish it were so black and white).

After my Dad died, I tried several times to write and be light-hearted and it was forced and terrible. I simply wasn’t ready. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I am and I hope that, if nothing else, it serves some purpose for me or for someone.

I haven’t written anything (except some 2 page essays for my English class) so my writing has suffered but I think it will come back to me. I hope the ride is worth it…and I hope you wear your seatbelt. It’s really rough terrain.

Thank you for asking to come with me. I’m honored to have you along for the journey. And if you have to pee, go now, because I’m not stopping every five minutes.

66 comments:

lovemyabbie@gmail.com said...

Hope I make the cut! It's nice to read a real blog, not a perfect one with perfect people, and kids, houses and lives. One more like me

Kristen Katz said...

Never apologize for honesty.

I hope your writing is cathartic, and new beginnings are not to be underestimated. And if people leave nasty stuff, and I hope they don't, that's on them. All them.

Lucy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lucy said...

I would like to be added to your list of readers. (lucylooloo25@gmail.com)

You've been quiet for so long, and I wondered what happened to you.

visionsound said...

Crystal - I think I emailed you, but just in case I've picked up a heroin addiction over the holidays and haven't discovered it -- visionsound at gmail.com is the address. I've enjoyed reading your stuff over the last many years, and hope to keep doing so.

Bloggin' Bama Girl said...

I would LOVE to be added to the email list - I promise no nasty emails/comments from me, I don't know you from Adam's house cat, so who am I to judge. I just admire the fact that you're willing and able to share - wish I had the guts

Leah B said...

I have to agree with lovemyabbie: it is nice to read a "real" blog, warts and all. As for those that send judgy e-mails ... screw 'em, who are they to judge?

Mom23Boys said...

I would also like to be added to the list: crmk77@cox.net

I've been reading your blog for a long time. Thanks for keeping us posted, and letting us know you are okay.

Evyl Robot Michael said...

I commented in my "please let me in" email that I found your old entries to be funny. Please don't think that I'm counting on that.

blueeyedtawni said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
blueeyedtawni said...

Ooops sorry messed up my email and deleted my last comment..

Id love to be on the email list as well , Im not much of a commenter but glad your back to writing.hugs blueeyedtawni@yahoo.com


'M' said...

I'd like to be added to your list as well. I'm a long time reader. Michellespengler@gmail.com

Tina said...

I would like to be on the list. I have been reading for a long time. I was happy to see you are back to writing again. Here is my email tdjones72 @ cox.net Thank you!

sandylee said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile. I do enjoy it. I would like it very much if you could add me to your list. My e-mail is sandylee2941@gmail.com. I'm not usually a commenter but you never know maybe you will draw the commenter out of me. I would not do nasty. I do like humor.

Catrina said...

I must admit that I had a hard time with some of the stuff you'd written before. My problem was mostly wondering if you'd be able to come out of everything in one piece. I didn't agree with everything you did, but that's not on you---it's on me. This is YOUR blog, about YOUR feelings and experiences. I know that your excellent writing will make me laugh, cry, and ask WTF. But don't for one minute think I'd EVER demean you through thoughts or comments. Regardless of what you may think from time to time (and I 'know' you well enough to say that you're your worst critic!), I, along with a lot of others who have asked to be included, have your back!

Jenn @ Casa de Castro said...

Snarky and mean comments usually tell me one thing: the author of said comments is hurting in some way. Hurting people... hurt people. There is not one person on the planet who is perfect and sinless and hasn't done and said things he/she regrets. Jesus said to those who were so pious and judgmental, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." What happened after He said that? ALL of the woman's accusers dispersed and walked away without casting any stones. They were ALL guilty! Remember that. If people write mean things (I pray they won't), DON'T let them live in your head without paying rent.

I'm glad you're writing again. Writing is a major catharsis for me, and I hope it will be that for you again. We're here. We're reading. We're not judging. Rock on, girl. Rock on.

Jenn @ Casa de Castro said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Becky Hood said...

I know that you don't know me from Adam. I read your blog back when you were writing the chronicles. I don't think I ever left a comment, so that would make me a lurker, so you couldn't have known I was there. I would like to continue to read your amazing story as I really enjoy the way you can tell a story. I sent an email before when you first mentioned going private, not sure if you got it, or if I got lost in the stampede. My email is Becky at msbatman dot com

Jennifer said...

Please add me, as I have been reading since the chronicles as well. Not sure I ever messaged you but your voice, your writing, your courage and your honesty are amazing. We all have some darkness, but it takes guts to admit it and face up to it. jennifer dot my3sons at gmail dot com and thank you.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Sweetie, no worries. I'll be here, reading. I may not always comment, not because something you've written has pissed me off, but most likely because I've read what you've written and my three little ones have distracted me AGAIN.

Pinky-swear, scout's honor, promise. I'm here and even if the stuff you recount is awful, I'll still be your friend. :)

Judy Susan said...

Sweetheart,, I have sunk to the bottom of the pit. If I drank, right now would be my AA moment. So there is nothing you can write that will change my opinion of you. I'm where I am because I made a bad choice. The rest of it, in my opinion, is because I surrounded myself with false friends and asswipes. Guess again, that was my choice.. so it's my fault. The point is, I've broken my angel wings, I've fallen and I can't get up.. so you have no worries about changing my opinion of you. I've always respected you for your honesty... not because of what you did or who you did it with. so rock on sista..

Anonymous said...

I'd love to read your blog too..with nothing but support for you - you have shown immense courage and strength over the last few years and I was so happy to see you back 'on'. My email address is rainnbbow@yahoo.com.

Jeannie

Luck o' the Irish said...

Love your writing, glad your getting back to it. Been reading for a long time and wish you many blessings and peace in 2013. If you'd like to add me it's happy_irish1 (at) yahoo dot com.

B. said...

Hello, I would love to be added to your list. I've been a long time reader and would love to have the opportunity to continue reading again :)
My email address is hungryhungryonion at gmail dot com

Lani said...

Anyone who claims to not have stuff they're not ashamed of in their life can go stick their head in a bucket of bullshit. Say what you got to say and try to ignore people who want to hurt you. Remember that they're a thousand times more sad and pathetic than you can possibly imagine if the only way for them to get happiness is to tear down others. Those of us whose heads aren't in the bullshit bucket will be here listening when you need us. -Alanna

Cat K said...

You can add me to the group to if you'd like. You won't hear one judgemental word from me. I'm too busy fighting my own demons. Much love and healing to you Crystal. (dustyninja007 at yahoo dot com)

thefootballgirl said...

I've always enjoyed reading what you write. I admire your honesty and willingness to put it out there that you're not perfect. It makes me wish I were so brave. My email is tobyedavid at yahoo dot com.

Anonymous said...

I would like to be added to your list of readers.

Been reading a long time, but don't think I've ever commented...

dannyalamb@hotmail.com

Osbasso said...

You can't scare me away!

Patience said...

Reading a real, honest blog is refreshing. I love forward to reading your journey and supporting you every step of the way.

Ellen said...

Write what you have to, I will still be here when you are done, and I will think no less of you for it. I wish you nothing but the best for 2013.

Linda H said...

Crystal, I've enjoyed reading what you write for a long time and would like to keep reading as much as you'd like to write. I have been praying for peace, comfort and guidance for you.
Linda
familymanager@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

I would like to be added to the list natalieleyoni@gmail.com

I hope writing helps you process.

Anonymous said...

I'd love to keep reading your story. no judgements

manda_joy at hotmail.com

Anonymous said...

Please add me to your list - I enjoy your candor. ileahm at gmail. Thanks!

Samantha Putnam said...

I have read your blog off and on for years, one thing that drew me to you was how you were honest about how life really can be at times and the happy, perfect all the time 'picture' other people's blogs portray it. Your blog has helped me through some really %@&#-ing bad times in my own life. So hang in there. I'm glad you are back and I hope I can be on the list for the private blog. Samantha Sue Putnam at G mail dot com.

Samantha Putnam said...

* and not the happy perfect'picture'

Becky said...

I would like to be added as well. I always looked forward to a new post from you showing up on my blog roll. Rebeccamdunaway at gmail dot com. Thanks!

lh said...

Crystal,

I know I emailed you, but I am a faithful reader and want to remind, remind, remind, that 1) I want to be added to your list, you help me in so many ways (laurenh77@gmail.com) and 2) I'm not a stalker :)

Barb said...

I would like to be added to your reader list. I've gone through a lot this past year also but am not brave enough to blog it. You inspire me to find my inner strength. I will not judge or make nasty comments. Nobody's perfect, least of all me. mebymyself01 (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Inki said...

We all have dark places, I admire you for being open about it and am happy you have found a way to work through it! I would love to be able to read ( inkirbrown at gmail dot com) and promise no nasty comments!

Judy Susan said...

You inspired me also. I set up a private blog where I'm going to fix me. You have my email. Come on in, you'll feel better about you after you read my flaws. Just sayin child, I'm more experienced at making really bad choices. I'm older, and more experienced at messing things up. lol hang in there kiddo. you can do this. We both can do this.

Stephanie said...

Long time reader....first time commenter...I would like to be added as well if there's room :)

sbg772@verizon.net

tinawiesen said...

I subscribed and/or added your blog to my LiveJournal feed a few years ago, around the time of The Chronicles, but never commented or even emailed. I was and am an avid lurker. I'm certainly no judge, however, I am very selective about what I read. I choose writers that move me and are able to teach me more about the human condition than I could ever experience on my own--people that are unique and smart and have a much different perspective than my view in a little corner of the world. You help me wear bigger glasses, Crystal. And, I've missed you a great deal.

So, I'm asking to be added to your mailing list as well: mrsslob@gmail.com

Tina Wiesen-Syring

Unknown said...

Crystal - I have been reading your blog for years ... you have a gift of expressing the ups, downs, joys, silliness, sorrows, grief that comes with living this thing called "life". We are all on our own journey - but thankfully we have a larger community to support, love and care for us. We are your community, Crystal ... no judgements ... just support, love, and more support. I am so glad you will be writing again, and would love to be included on your mailing list. rittercathy1012@gmail.com.

bub said...

Long time reader have loved everything you have written. I love your honesty. Please add me to the list bub66ohm@gmail.com. thanks!

Heather said...

We all have darkness inside, thats what makes us human. Life is a test. Some are tested, not to harshly. Others, EVERY DAY, ALL DAY. I don't know why some of us constantly choose that tougher road, we just do. Push those boundaries, try those ropes, go in the out door. It's just who we are. I have followed your "adventures" for many years and I hope to for many more.

WyzWmn© said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again - you never have to apologize for what you write - it's the truth as you see it.

People who sit in judgement are unhappy in their own lives and that is not your responsibility. You can't fix them - but you can fix what ails you....
you need to write - it's not necessary to get caught up in the publicity - you don't need the accolades - you need to vent...after a while the venting will become a positive funny sharing again - I promise.

I wish you peace in 2013 - the kind of peace it takes to get you back to a happy place and a happy life.

Ides Ælfscinu said...

I've been reading for several years. I admire your courage for how you write and appreciate what you write, whether it's humorous, or the deep-down darkness that we have but hate to share with others, even though we need to get it out. If you'd be willing, I'd like to come along for the ride.

Amanda Taylor said...

Please add me to the list. I would like to go along on the ride. i have been a reader since the vwery beginning.

Samantha said...

I'd love to be added as well. I have enjoyed your writing for a few years. Welcome back!

Samantha said...

Hi Crystal!
I'd love to be added as well. I have enjoyed your writing for a few years. Welcome back!

samtipton@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

Been following you for a long time, glad to see you back.. Would love to read your story. sherwood@fredonia.edu

Mrs. Who said...

Pick me, pick me, pick me, lol!!!! Thank you for offering this opportunity again. I've already emailed you prior to this, and you can get my email from this comment, too. It's an honor...been following you since before the finger condom post....

Anonymous said...

I've been a lurker since the Chronicles too. There are few bloggers who have the guts to put themselves out there, warts and all. I'd like to continue the ride. ranrog@goeaston.net

Reasonable Female said...

I don't know why the comment I left here is no longer here.

I hope it's a glitch and not an indication that I didn't make the list of readers ;/.

Please write. Please let me read. Sure you've made me laugh and I admire your ability to see through to the 'funny' in the mess we all make of our lives. That doesn't mean I expect you to act the clown and entertain me. I want to read what you write. REGARDLESS of how negatively you decide to portray yourself. Hopefully through our eyes you can see that negatively in a different light.

Bree

Anonymous said...

Oh Cyrstal I don't want to lose track of you as I come here to check up on you now that things have taken a turn. Your writing has lifted me up and I'd like the opportunity to help you now.

my email is: denisewms3527@yahoo.com

Lindsey said...

Please let me continue to follow you I have been with you while you reestabliahed a relationship with your oldest son, trials and triumphs with Chris. Not to mention th chronicles. Always admired you for your honesty and I wish I could be more like you.
Hope I make the list!
Lindseytenney@att.net

Randy Warren said...

Is it too late to be included? I have kept you on my reader all these years just for this opportunity. randy.warren@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

You've touched my life. I've it's not too late to be included on your list. kerry.shoup@yahoo.com

Chatty Cathy said...

Please add me. designoutloud@gmail.com

Nicole Barrett said...

Crystal, I've sat here and silently read you for years. I pop in every here and there now just to see if you've posted anything new. We all have our struggles, we all have our demons. No one is perfect. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I'd never judge, I have no room to do so. If you feel like adding one more reader, I'd love to read. If you don't, I won't take it personally. BarrettNV@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

DITTO! kellieinfowler@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

Crystal- long time reader, first time poster :) I was happily surprised when you started writing again, and would appreciate the chance to continue on your journey. Parenting, life, love - - all of it is difficult and it takes a village to get through it all semi-sane :)

Mmaras84@aol.com

doy said...

doythomasson@hotmail.com

crazymimi said...

Crystal it has been a long time since I have read your post, things going on in my life have kept me sorta busy. I hope that, even this late in asking, you will let me follow and find out what you have been going through. Have often thought about how you have been. Thank you for allowing me to read you posts in the past!